Abandoned

Abandoned, alone, what do I do?  My heart is beating so fast, what do I do?  It has been so long since she left.  I need help but no one is here and I don't know what to do.  She is crying and won't stop and I am scared that somethings really wrong.  She has needed a new diaper for so long and I don't have a new one.  I tried to clean it but it isn't helping.  She has red streaks going down her legs and her tears just wont stop coming.  God what do I do?  Something calms my heart for just a second, something brings peace.

"Sis you stay here, I will be back soon.  I am gonna go call dad.  He will come and he will know what to do.  Please don't cry no more.  I love you!  Just play with your baby.  I will be back."  As I kiss her head goodbye I feel how hot she is.  Fear jumps forward into my throat again and my heart beats faster.  I feel like I might be sick.

I turn and leave before I can change my mind.  It scares me to leave her alone but I have to call dad!  There is that peace again.  I am her big brother and it is my job to take care of her.  Where is mom?  Why isn't she back yet?  I hate when she leaves us like this!

It is a warm sunny day outside and I am scared as I walk up the alleyway looking for houses that might let me use their phone.  It is a scary neighborhood and we don't belong here.  Mom left us at a friends house but they haven't been home for a couple days.  I just start asking people if they got a phone and it takes a while before someone lets me in to use their phone.  As I walk into their home my heart jumps into my chest again.  What if they are really bad people?!  That peace fills me again and I wonder if it is God.  I call my dad as fast as I can because I know he will help and I am right.  He is on his way.

I run all the way back to where my sister is and go inside and scoop her up.  She is still crying and must have been so scared but seeing me seems to make it all better.  I hold her tight and realize how bad she smells, nausea washes over me.  I must have not noticed before because we were together in this small home for so long, or maybe I just blocked it out but the smell is putrid.  I notice now though and it makes me want to be sick.

This is not the first time I have been abandoned, we have been abandoned.  It has happened before, many times.  My mom works a lot and likes to party a lot too so sometimes she leaves us with different people.  Some people are ok, others are scary.  This time the people just disappeared.  Maybe they were with mom.  I wish she would come back.

I sit down with my sister and just wait for my dad.  Peace...   I can tell God is with me, comforting me.   God loves me even when those that are supposed to love me forget.  Because of Him, I can cuddle up with my sister and love her and forget the reasons I was afraid.  Once I was abandoned, but now... I am now saved.  Peace...

This story was loosely based on a true events and was written from an image prompt "Abandoned" from Free Write Friday.  To join the writing prompt click the button below and it will take you to Free Write Friday's page.

Welcome to Kindergarten

(This post has been written for Free Write Friday using what is called stream of consciousness writing, no editing, no proofing just write!  The writing prompt this week is:  Let’s go on a little trip…to your first day of school!)

I saw this writing prompt and thought hmmmm, what is it that I am to write about?  I mean, it isn't as if I remember my first day of kindergarten.  I don't remember any of my kindergarten years nor the years to follow until I was older.  So I thought I must then make something amazing up.  Something that will thrill and wow the reader and make them wanting for more.  But what could I make up about kindergarten that would do that unless it had something of the macabre attached to it, or something ridiculously crazy?  So that option was out as well.

As I sat and thought about it, it was clear that the answer lied in my daughter.  I remember her first day of school as if it were a sharp knife still imbedded in my heart, every memory bringing with the pain the movement of that sharp knife would bring.  It was a horrible day... for me.

My daughter on the other hand felt like the world was just opening up and the excitement was so thick it was difficult to contain it and keep her from coming unglued altogether.  She is a very social little thing and loves everyone she meets, so much so that we have had to work with her on this issue.  It has been hard for her to understand why someone wouldn't want an hug, "they feel like the best thing in the world mommy, like God wrapping you up in His arms!"  Teaching her to ask if she could hug someone and tell them she loved them is still an ongoing issue, though not so much with strangers anymore.  But her excitement to be with others, love on them and be friend with all is still something that is deeply seeded in her.  So the thought of going to school and meeting a bunch of other kids she didn't know did nothing but energize her.

For me though, trying to be excited with her was a difficult and daunting task.  She was my baby, my 5 year old little girl and soon she was going to be gone all day long.  We were rarely apart and now it was as if she was being ripped from my life and my heart was falling apart.  As I took her to class I loved on her, told her to have a wonderful day and walked out of her room a changed woman.  I was no longer there to protect her and I was no longer her everything and that was something to get used to.  

As I walked to my car I remember clearly the feelings well up inside of me so strong that I knew that I would not be driving home for a while.  The tears began to fall and the weeping then began.  I felt as if I was all the sudden irrational because the thought kept washing over me that my poor baby girl has now embarked on a full time job!  She is five and she is going to school at eight in the morning not getting home until almost four!  How is that ok for such a little person?  How would she survive?  Where would her childhood go?  For me it felt as if she was being ripped from the clutches of childhood and her family and being thrown to the wolves and the never-ending work cycle of the American society.

These feelings didn't just last that day, but for weeks.  I tried my best to shove them down, especially when I knew she was having fun.  But of course that fun didn't last long because of the bullying by one special boy.  But that is a story for another time.  

I remember sitting that first day wondering what her day was like, wondering if she was going to have any troubles, if the teacher would have to call me to come get her or if she would be scared for life by the time I went to pick her up.  The opposite of course was true.  As I picked her up at the end of her first day she was all a buzz as to her proceedings of the day.  From the first thing to the last she gave me every bit of a detailed account she could remember.  She was so excited for the new friends and her teacher.  But what really melted my heart was how excited she was to see me.  She told me she loved school but she wished it could be with me because she loves me so much.  That moment was precious and I am so glad I was there to hear it.

My first day of kindergarten may not be memorable to me, but my daughters sure is, and that is all the matters.  To be there for her and to remember hers is a true honor and I am blessed beyond my imaginings. 

 

Please check out Kellie Elmore's blog for more information on Free Write Friday's, twitter hashtag #FWF and join the fun!  Just write!

The Road Less Traveled By

"Do you realize what you are doing?  You are going to ruin your child.  She is going to grow up without any real view of what the world is like!  She is going to be awkward and isolated because of what you are doing.  She is going to have difficulty fitting in, being happy, being loved, loving others. She is going to grow up not knowing what all the other kids know.  She is going to grow up not experiencing what all the other kids experience.  How cruel.  I can't believe you are going to subject her to that.  My heart breaks for her."

Those comments I have heard more than once, by more than one person.  Most don't bombard me with those things all at once but they do come.  I am a Christian.  I am also a Christian who has decided to homeschool.  And to some one those things is bad enough but to add the other means I must be some radical racist who must be hiding in my bunker just waiting for the end of the world.  I guess there is some tiny bit of truth mixed in that comment.

I am a Christian and I am radical... for the things of Christ, for my family, for people.  Christ loves us with such a radical love that he went all the way to the cross.  So I love Him regardless of the backlash I receive, even if it is from the very family I love so much.  I love my daughter so much that after she suffered abuse at the hands of another student (you know, that thing called bullying) repeatedly and suffered physical injury, and I watched her get terrible migraines at school whiles suffering emotional injury, and I watched her learning creep to a stop because of mental injury I could do nothing but remove her from that situation.

I didn't make this decision lightly, I did as much research as I ever have for anything I have ever done.  And if you know anything about me, then you know I tend to research something more than I probably need to. As I did my research all those comments listed above grew smaller and smaller and all the positive things that I found grew more an more.  See I didn't look into homeschooling because I was a Christian, though many Christians do homeschool.  I looked into it because I loved my daughter more than I love myself and though the thought of homeschooling terrified me and what that meant for the next who knows how many years I wanted what was best for her.

I saw the statistics and how most homeschoolers are much more well rounded relationally because they learn to talk to all walks of life and ages in everyday life.  They are not stuck in a classroom with a bunch of kids who are only their age.  They know how to deal with younger, same age and older people.  They have no fear of another age population which is sometimes rapid among kids.  I saw that their stress levels were much lower but their test scores were so much higher.  Their suicide levels, teen pregnancy levels,  drug abuse levels, as well as other risky behaviors were all much lower, because their families were a tighter unit, not because they didn't have the opportunity.

Since becoming a homeschooler I have seen that most are much more active in the community, in fun activities, in exciting opportunities most kids can't get because they are so busy with school and homework it leaves little time for anything else.  Most excitedly I see that they are free to explore their passions, become what they hope, dream and desire to be without being forced into a direction they would never desire to go.  

Just as Robert Frost did when he was homeschooled, he decided to follow the road less traveled and became an incredible poet, one of the countries most beloved.  And it was his homeschooling family, particularly his mother, Isabelle that inspired him to be a poet because of the rich literature they read on a daily basis in their homeschool environment.

I will continue to follow the road less traveled because I love my God and my family.  I am happy to hear those comments from others who don't understand and will always show them through actions that what they fear for my child, is what they will someday marvel at because they just did not understand the fruit that would come from the road less traveled.

 

(The above was written for Free Write Friday using what is called stream of consciousness writing, no editing, no proofing just write!,  [ Writing prompt ~ Talk about a time you took the road less traveled and the differences it made…] Please check out Kellie Elmore's blog  for more information on Free Write Friday's, twitter hashtag #FWF and join the fun!  Just write!)

Calling

Long after the sun goes down I spend my time wandering, searching, looking for what always alludes me.  As I wander the voices keep coming, soft and gentle, luring me further in to the depths of the forest.  What do they want with me and why do they keep calling?  Why do I keep following?

Goodnight on Fairie Swamp Garden (Photo credit: echoroo)

I can hear them now, their sound so gentle it almost lures me into believing I am so safe and so loved that nothing else matters.  Warmth flows over me, filling me with just joy I can't believe there is anything sinister in their calling.  It is almost as if sweet romance is in the air, calling and beckoning me to take a leap of faith and just fall all in... all into the peace and serenity and soft comfort of their words.

But their words are not all that leads me deeper into the forest, but the words give light!  It is a pure light, one can not fully explain but one that can only be felt.  It is a light that gives warmth and satisfaction every time you glimpse it.  It is a light that gives hope in the midst of the darkness.  It is a light that makes you feel safe and whole and free, one that never leaves you alone or forsakes you.

As I go deeper, wandering into the forest I am greeted nightly by this beautiful light and melodic voice and each night the outcome is the same. I find myself lying softly in a bed of moss staring eagerly into the sky waiting for them, knowing they are there because they beckoned me there this night, just like every other night.  I close my eyes and they surround me filling me with love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control... I have felt them before, and they are a welcome guest.

My spirit leaps with excitement and expectation, because they are there... bringing with them all I need and all I will ever want.  Without them I am nothing and never will be. Each night I go with expectation, and each night I am embarrassed because my expectation is never high enough to match the the moments that happen deep in the darkness of those woods.  My expectations are always so small compared to the gift lavished upon me.

Long after the sun goes down... the world quiets and only then am I free to go wandering, searching and looking for my true desires...  only then do I find them.

(The above was written for Free Write Friday using what is called stream of consciousness writing, no editing, no proofing just write!,  [ Writing prompt ~ It’s after midnight. You find yourself in an eerie yet, magical swamp. You hear whispering and see flashes of light…what happens? ] Please check out Kellie Elmore's blog  for more information on Free Write Friday's, twitter hashtag #FWF and join the fun!  Just write!)