What Will You Do?

Tragedy struck today in a small town in Western Washington.  It was heartbreaking and made me reflect a great deal and think about my reaction to things around me.

As I made my way into town for a homeschool meeting, sitting on a mound in front of a public school was an elderly man.  I had seen this man before in the area and thought nothing of him really.  As I drove by him though, something was different, he was glaring at each and every car that drove by.  As we drove by he lifted his hands and pointed his fingers at us as if shooting a gun at us, silently moving his lips to mimic the sound of a gun as it is fired.

I was slightly disturbed and ask the Lord to help him but then moved on with my morning activities, not giving him another thought.  I mean, he was just an elderly man who probably had too much to drink or was just in a grumpy fowl mood.  He wasn't doing anything other than giving people dirty looks.

On my way home from my day's events I neared the school again, yet this time I was not allowed to pass.  I asked the man and police officer that was standing there on the side of the road if there had been an accident.  He replied that there was some old man running around with a gun shooting at people so the police had the area blocked off.

I was stunned and with my daughter in the back of the car I turned around to go the long way home and immediately began to pray.  I was praying for the safety of all involved and that the man would be stopped without anyone being harmed.  My mind was surely focused on this event and how close we came to being in harms way.

When I got home I decided to post about it on Facebook so that people would pray for the situation and quickly found out that the man had been killed because he had fired at the police and they had no choice but to fire back. 

My heart was broken.  It was broken for a man who had probably lived in his little house for that last 50 plus years with a wife and children.  Children that grew up and might have no longer visited because life is just too busy and dad is just too grumpy.  The thought of his death and what his family might be going through ate away at me and the thing that hurt most was that my spirit was convicted, deeply convicted.

How many times do we see or sense something is off and we move on without another thought, and if we do pray it is a quick cursory prayer that we did out duty.  It was a quick prayer so we weren't really bothered by it and the time it was take to really pray over the situation?  I was convicted.  This man was hurting and lost.  He was not in his right mind and I knew it and I had a bad feeling when I drove by him yet all I prayed for was that the Lord would help him.  Did I really mean that prayer?  Or did I say it out of that place inside that says, "I am supposed to pray!"  Not because my heart was moved to share my worries with the Father.

It was a great lesson to me.  It made me think of my everyday situations.  Do I ask the Holy Spirit to help me to know WHAT to pray?  Or do I just plow forth with no concern with what God wants?  If I had taken that time the Spirit might have touched me and asked me to pray for something very specific and it might have been something that would have made a difference.

I am not saying I am responsible for this man's death.  He died because of his choices and it is extremely sad.  But I am responsible to do exactly what the Lord calls me to do, and I think that would include praying for the lost and hurting, praying for this man.  The Lord LOVES HIM!  The Lord was grieved by this event today. 

What will you do next time you are given that check in your spirit that something isn't quite right?  Ignore it, throw a vague prayer out there, or turn to the Father, ask the Spirit to guide you and thank the Savior for giving you the ability to always have access to them for all your needs.

Calling

Long after the sun goes down I spend my time wandering, searching, looking for what always alludes me.  As I wander the voices keep coming, soft and gentle, luring me further in to the depths of the forest.  What do they want with me and why do they keep calling?  Why do I keep following?

Goodnight on Fairie Swamp Garden (Photo credit: echoroo)

I can hear them now, their sound so gentle it almost lures me into believing I am so safe and so loved that nothing else matters.  Warmth flows over me, filling me with just joy I can't believe there is anything sinister in their calling.  It is almost as if sweet romance is in the air, calling and beckoning me to take a leap of faith and just fall all in... all into the peace and serenity and soft comfort of their words.

But their words are not all that leads me deeper into the forest, but the words give light!  It is a pure light, one can not fully explain but one that can only be felt.  It is a light that gives warmth and satisfaction every time you glimpse it.  It is a light that gives hope in the midst of the darkness.  It is a light that makes you feel safe and whole and free, one that never leaves you alone or forsakes you.

As I go deeper, wandering into the forest I am greeted nightly by this beautiful light and melodic voice and each night the outcome is the same. I find myself lying softly in a bed of moss staring eagerly into the sky waiting for them, knowing they are there because they beckoned me there this night, just like every other night.  I close my eyes and they surround me filling me with love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control... I have felt them before, and they are a welcome guest.

My spirit leaps with excitement and expectation, because they are there... bringing with them all I need and all I will ever want.  Without them I am nothing and never will be. Each night I go with expectation, and each night I am embarrassed because my expectation is never high enough to match the the moments that happen deep in the darkness of those woods.  My expectations are always so small compared to the gift lavished upon me.

Long after the sun goes down... the world quiets and only then am I free to go wandering, searching and looking for my true desires...  only then do I find them.

(The above was written for Free Write Friday using what is called stream of consciousness writing, no editing, no proofing just write!,  [ Writing prompt ~ It’s after midnight. You find yourself in an eerie yet, magical swamp. You hear whispering and see flashes of light…what happens? ] Please check out Kellie Elmore's blog  for more information on Free Write Friday's, twitter hashtag #FWF and join the fun!  Just write!)

Operation Solid Lives

It has been almost 2 weeks since my journey of Operation Solid Lives (OSL) ended.  OSL is an intense decipleship program offered by our church, Church of Living Water. (http://www.livingwater.com/)  Boy what a journey it was!  I can't tell you completely what it has meant to me but I will try to do justice to how it has impacted my life.

OSL is one of those things that makes you want to pull your hair out at times, and at others weep with appreciation and jump with joy for the relationship that is forged with our Lord because of it.  Let me explain.

When Mark and I first started OSL I was excited to start a new study and journey.  They encourage couples to do it together which was exciting for me but Mark wasn't as eager as I was.  Don't get me wrong, he wanted to do it but he went with me more because I asked him and he is an awesome husband and loves me.  Like I said I was excited, until we got there and were greeted with a couple of unexpected realities. 

The first reality was that we would NOT be sitting with each other.  Now, I was partially excited to do this because my hubby and I would be together!  We haven't been able to do anything together in quite a while and I was looking forward to spending time in a group getting to know others with my best friend.  When we walked in though and looked for our name tags we quickly found out that our seating would be at separate tables, Mark with men and me with other women.  Our smiles and anticipations both sank.  Oh well, we would sit as close as we could and try make the best of it.

The second was the rules.  Lots of rules!  Mark and I are not exactly the best at being consistent with structured kinds of things.  First there was only 2 hours of TV, movies, reading or music a week unless it was Christian music or teachings.  That seemed to hurt most people but what got me the most was the Bible verse memorization.  I do not memorize easily.  There were a lot of things we had to do such as reading certain chapters in our bibles every day, journaling, listening to teachings, coming to all of the meetings, attend the church services and sit in the first 3 rows (which I still don't get).

I wasn't feeling the home teachings so much (good teacher, just long and repetitive at times), neither was I enjoying the sitting in the first three rows (we are back third of the church sitters.. lol) but as I said above those bible verses were just not my friend.  I was trying so hard to memorize them and as I tried I would get one part mixed up with another verse or just go blank.  I was really beating myself up until my 4th class, when I visited my coach and ended up in tears over it.  She quickly reminded me that I don't have to be perfect, that I have only to try and that it was more important that those verses got into my heart!  What a relief that day was because the expectation of having to recite my un-memorized verses was taking over every thought and ruining my days.  I was reminded that there is "NO condemnation in Christ Jesus!" 

Well, I was almost on my last week of OSL and I was proud of my accomplishments of journaling and reading and even memorizing some of my verses but didn't really feel there was this huge change in me that I was expecting, until April 5th. 

My dad died on April 6th, 2001 and on the 5th I was reflecting on that time.  As I thought about it pain and tears welled up inside of me.  I thought about the time that I spent in Idaho taking care of him (he was unconscious most of our time there), and the time that I read the bible to him hoping he would hear me and turn to Christ.  Most of all I thought about my last moments with him before we left to come home because we had to go back to work.  I said good bye and we drove our 8 hours home and the next morning I got the call, he had died.

My heart was stricken with grief by the fact that I wasn't there when he died, I left one day too soon.  The grief was overwhelming wondering if my dad had accepted Christ before his death or not.  As I cried I felt fear and panic rise up in me.  I had to do something, and I found myself thinking frantically, "I have to find my bible, where is my bible, I just need to read my bible and I will be ok!"    Those thoughts stopped me dead in my tracks.

In the past if I was hurting so much that panic would arise I would run to food, the TV, movies, or other self destructive activities, but that day, for the very first time I was running to God's word!  Life itself!  It hit me, the last 3 weeks of OSL had infiltrated so deep into my spirit that running to God was my hope, not the things of this world that did nothing but hurt me.  I had hope in my Christ, in His Word, and in the Life I knew it would give me.  I was not feeling a lot the first three weeks because I was storing up what God wanted me to be able to use in the future.  I was storing up HIS HOPE!

When I ran to the Word, God didn't stop the pain, but He did stop the panic, and how grateful I am for that.  Realizing I can feel pain without falling apart is a huge thing for me and I am so thankful for my church for offering OSL because I don't think I would have this hope otherwise.

Was OSL the best thing I have ever done?  I don't know.  But what I do know is that without it, I wouldn't be where I am today and I couldn't get to the places I know God will lead me to in the future.